2005-11-28 - 3:08 p.m.
I had a mandarin orange today at lunch and it reminded me of Korea. They are very cheap and easy to find there, every street corner has someone selling them, resulting in me living off of them for a time. (And I still love them.) I bring this up because I have been nostalgic for Korea lately. I don’t think it’s that I want to go back to Korea; I think it’s more that I am ready to go somewhere again. I’ve been thinking of California a lot too, but that is because Adam is looking at jobs there. I feel bad that I want him to get a job there because I would go with him and not work. I have come to terms with that, but sometimes I think it’s just because I really don’t want to work here. There seems to be more and more red tape that I have to deal with that it’s making me crazy. I feel like I have all of this creative stuff in me and I don’t get to use it. I do get to do dumb nominal administrative jobs, making way overpaid. Which isn’t the issue, it’s that I am feeling under challenged and underappreciated. I’m not getting the chance to do what I do best. I understand that you don’t always get to do what you want, but I don’t think it’s wrong for me to want to do what I want. Why shouldn’t I have a job that I love and challenges me? That being said I want to leave this, and Adam getting that position gives me a way out, which is so selfish of me. But it will give me the chance to do something I have always wanted to do, which should make me exceedingly happy. Also I sincerely think that he will have a happier work like if he is working in California where everything is happening in his industry. Here in Alberta there isn’t anything really cutting edge and he will be happy short term, he will want to change jobs within a year, which leads to more instability for both of us.
I also worry about what will happen to our relationship if we should move. We are really happy now how we are. I know what to expect out of him, but he isn’t working and has no work stress in his life. I am worried about what will happen when he is work stressed. I am sure that we will be able to work through it though so I am not making myself sick with that kind of worry. Back to being happy. We have been living at his parents for a month now and I have come to really like them. I have always liked his dad, but now I have become a lot more fond of his mom, it’s strange, I feel a lot more comfortable around them and it really touches me that they consider me part of the family. I love it.
Finally, I am on the fence. I love my life right now (with the exception of my job, but that changes soon when I am off to a new branch), and I will be happy in Calgary. However I am getting that stir crazy feeling that took me to Korea and England. Oh the dilemma… I know I just need to let it happen, because I know I will be happy either way.
Have a nice day!
