2005-09-21 - 10:52 a.m.
Adam told me this weekend that he is going to apply at a big company in California. This raises a lot of questions. A LOT! I'm a little scared and a little excited and it's killing me that I don't know exactly what is going to happen. I love change, in fact I seem to go looking for it, but what has be all uptight is that I don't know what is going to happen. In someways I want him to go and in other I don't.
A questions arises of what will happen to our relationship if he goes. I hope the answer is simple, and he has assured me that it is. I will go with him. However that simple answer has so many complicated bits. If I go with him I can't work down there, but not being near him isn't an option, for either of us. If we stay here, he won't be able to find a job that he will love like he will there, and my income will never match what he will make there. I have this pride thing about having a great job and career. I like saying I am what I am, there is pride when I say I am a lender. I've worked hard to be here, and I don't want to give that up. But I want to be with Adam, and he is where I want to be and that might mean making sacrifices. It will also give me a chance to work on other stuff that I want to do. I really really want to be an author, but I've never put any effort into it. (don't base my skills on this diary, cause I don't proof read anything and it's just brain to fingers, nothing is screening it or anything like that) So if I am there and unable to work I can work on that and I know that if I work hard at something, it can have a good outcome for me. Everything I've always tried hard at I've made successfull, I just need to want it. So that is a great option. When I was younger I never said that I want to give mortgages to people, that I want to work at a bank and be the last to leave everynight cause I work too much, that I want to make myself sick becuase I stress about work all the time. I didn't sign up for all of this. But in my life I did want to be an author, I did want to have children and not stress if I can afford to buy then what they want and need. There are so many excellent reasons to want to go. IF he gets the position in the time frame he expects, that means we would be leaving early next year. Just as I am getting going in this carrer, and just as i am making a name for myself. The powers that be know about me and like what I am doing. It's not often that someone can achieve that. Like I said though, not being near Adam isn't an option. And if he gets this and he wants to go, he is more important to me. I think that makes me sound like some silly girl, and I would have thought so 3 years ago, heck even last year. But internet, I LOVE HIM. It doesn't seem so silly to me now. It seems completly logical. I can always take a plane to visit my family and friends, and they can come and visit me. When and if I am ever able to get a job down there, I can be happy whereever I am, I can be a lot more flexable in what I do. Adam is very skilled in his field and for him to be challanged he has to work with the best of the best and he won't be happy working here. He'd be happy living here, but he will have to work soon, so I guess I am excited for him to get this job. I'm excited for a new life, and I'm excited to embark on a new career path.
After all I've never been a numbers person.
have a nice day!
