2005-10-19 - 3:42 p.m.

Hello World!
I've had a hell of a day. Well a heck of a week. (apparently I need to update more often.) I feel a little overwhelmed when I think of my diary. I read others and they are so well organized, and just well written. I know that they are all also busy too, but I need more time to really write this the way I do. As it is now I feel it's horribly scattered and not at all well written. This being said, I want to write a book. If the whole job situation for Adam works out I will have plenty of time to be an author. But then I will risk the perils of that; I hate rejection, hate hate hate. However it does motivate me so. I wonder if that means I am only motivated if someone shoots me down, or does it make me inherintly lazy (please excuse my spelling, again crunched for time). So I've said it outloud and now you know. It's a burden I bear.
So on to other news. My brother and his family and situation are distressing me, and unlike my situation with my mom I can't just ignore it. My poor little brother has had his heart broken and I can't fix it. More than broken it's been crushed. His finacee/girlfriend/babymama left him last month. She told him after 6 years, 2 breakups, 2 provinces, 3 pregnancies and one (adorable) baby, she no longer loves him and doesn't want ot be with him anymore. He is so head over heels for her and he can't imagine his life without her. But I remind him he has to, she is the mother of his baby (who she left him with, more on that later). So she moves out and takes all of their stuff, leaving enough for the baby. He has nothing, not even a bed, which is always nice for the baby to wander around her empty home. So the girlfrined/finacee/babymama, who we will call S, lets my bro think that there is still a chance for them to be together, even asks him to move in with her. He agrees. So he takes the baby to her on weekends adn stays with them becasue he is scared that she will take the baby and run away. He went there last weekend and he sees through her window with one of his friends in a very compromising position. He walks in on them and gives her the baby and tells her to tell the baby that her Daddy loves her and that her Mommy is a good person, and he (my bro) leaves. He goes to his friend's and cools down, then he went back and told the other guy to leave. My bro, (B) talks to S, and they decide that B will keep the baby and S will visit on weekends. B will have residency rights, but it is still joint custody. S is concerned that she won't get the child tax credits from the government, and really the only reason she wanted to keep the baby with her is so that she could get more benefits from the government, which is handy as she is about to be fired. Sooooo.... enter my father. My brother is currently living with him so he can save for school (he wants to be an apprentice welder). B and my dad had a big blow out earlier this summer and it was horrible. Adam and I were there and it was Adam that pulled them apart. So it's been tense. My step-mom babysits the baby while my brother is at work, but demands to be paid for it. So now my dad has asked my brother to leave, all when he is all torn up inside. To say I am less than happy with my father is an understatement. I am right pissed. So B has to find an appropriate place to live for him and the baby. S can't be counted on and he won't live with her. So B has to afford rent, and childcare and expenses and still save for school which should start in Sept and he needs $2800 for. I want him so badly to go to school, he really needs it and he wants to go. He can't get a student loan, he is an inch from bankruptsy cause he made bad descions and paid off her debt too. So Adam and I talked and I will give him some for school, and I hope he can figure it out. But he needs to get all of the papers signed to make the arrangements with the baby legal, and he needs to keep working. Meanwhile he is all torn up inside and can't deal with it all. He can't go to my dad becasue he is being an ass, and I am a province away. Luckily he has a friend he can talk to and is helping him out. But it tears me up to know that he is going through all of this alone. He has started councelling and that is helping, and he does have some friends, but I don't think that they are the best for him. Sigh. But I can't tell him know, he is an adult, but I worry for the baby, she is adorable. Poor little thing, stuck in the middle and just trying to grow up. It breaks my heart. I just want to fly over there and cuddle her, but I can't. I mentioned today that I wanted sometime off from work to go and help him. He's been suicidal in the past and I don't want to leave him alone feeling helpless. Sigh.
So my step mom just called and said that B was moving, and I replied with "duh Dad asked him to!" She says that he didn't. I do not want to be caught in the middle. But I am.
Damn my family!
So I am at a loss really of what I should do. I know it's his life and I should let him live it, but it concerns the baby. If my dad really didn't ask him to leave then he really shouldn't live with his friend that he is going to, he is very unsavory; but given no other alternative.... sigh, ideas would be welcomed! If you know my email address email me, if not here is my other one, screamnfreak@hotmail.com thanks. have a nice day!

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